The Amazing Spider-Man #573

It’s the end of the “New Ways to Die” storyarc, which really ought to get an award for both the dumbest storyarc title and for dumbest new villain — namely, Anti-Venom: former regular Venom Eddie Brock now wearing some kind of negative-colored Venom outfit and with a mad-on for the current Venom, Mac Gargan, the former Scorpion. Hey, I just felt some of my brain cells die just from describing that! Anyway, Spidey and (snicker) Anti-Venom beat up Norman Osborne and Venom and various people and then everything goes back to the regular status quo.

Oh, but what everyone really cares about is the backup story, which stars Stephen Colbert, host of “The Colbert Report.” Most of y’all may remember that Colbert briefly threw his hat into the presidential race earlier this year — well, in Marvel’s continuity, Colbert is (A) exactly like his rightwing blowhard character on “The Colbert Report” and (B) is an actual candidate for the presidency. Well, Colbert’s candidacy ain’t goin’ so well. His most recent contribution is from Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson, and it’s for a measly $100. His rallies are marked by an awful lot of apathy and not many people. In frustration, he gives up his campaign, until he runs into Spider-Man fighting a supervillain called (GASP!) the Grizzly! He helps Spidey beat the bad guy and gets to go web-slinging with the Wall-Crawler.

Verdict: Thumbs down for the main story. Dull, dull, dull, and stupid, stupid, stupid. However, a big thumbs up for the Colbert backup story. Much fun, very goofy, and still fairly action-packed. Ya know what’d be cool? If Colbert ends up becoming president of Marvel’s version of the USA. That’d rock soooo hard.

Atomic Robo: Dogs of War #3

Robo has managed to put most of the Nazis’ walking tanks out of commission, but now he’s on the trail of the Nazibots’ designer, Otto Skorzeny. But there’s another Allied agent tracking Skorzeny, a British agent called the Sparrow, and they end up getting in each others’ way and on each others’ nerves while they’re doing their Nazi-bashing. And complicating things even more are some more Nazi experimental monsters closing in on everyone.

Verdict: Thumbs up. More over-the-top action and Nazi bashing. All the action here takes place in and on top of a speeding train, which keeps things nicely focused and intense.

Captain America #43

Several different things going on here. We get World War II flashbacks with Cap, Bucky, and the Human Torch. We get Bucky smoochin’ with the Black Widow. And best of all, we get the return of Batroc the Leaper! Batroc’s French may be the most accurate it’s ever been (as far as I can tell — it’s not like I can read French anyway), and he actually manages to uncover Bucky’s secret identity as both the new Captain America and as the former Winter Soldier.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Hey, it’s Batroc the Leaper! BATROC ZE LEAPAIR!

So it’s Friday, it’s night (or at least night-ish), and we’re all in the mood for some comic-booky fights? Sounds like the perfect time for…FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Today, we’re turning to 1974’s Amazing Spider-Man #129 by Gerry Conway and Ross Andru, featuring the debut of the Punisher:

Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a good old-fashioned kick-to-the-face.

Man, ain’t it been a long week? For a work schedule that’s supposed to be just 40 hours long, it sure does feel like I worked twice that. But it’s Friday now, and you know what that means. It’s time for the perfect way to blow off some steam — it’s time for Friday Night Fights!

This week, our fightfest comes to us from 1978’s The Amazing Spider-Man #187 by Marv Wolfman and Jim Starlin. Spidey’s stuck in the suburbs investigating why a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents have evacuated a small town when he runs into Captain America. Oh boy! Captain America! Good ol’ Captain America! He’ll help out!

 

Um, or he won’t, I guess. But Spidey has all those nifty spider powers, right? He can make mincemeat of that chemically-enhanced super-patriot, right?

 

That’s some mighty fine fisticuffing, young-uns. I think that Jim Starlin guy has a future in the comic book industry, don’t you?

Spider-Man Family #7

Well, it may not have a cast of thousands, but this 104-page comic is certainly crammed to the gills with guest stars. Basically, this is one of Marvel’s all-ages books, designed to be kid-friendly, but also good reading for grown-ups. And this particular issue was designed by Karl Kesel, Todd Dezago, and Mark Waid as a tribute to the late Mike Wieringo.

Our plot focuses on the Looter, a villain who gets his powers from a chunk of meteorite. Actually, he thinks the meteorite is alive — and he’s even fallen in love with the space-rock. Muy creepy, yes? Anyway, he goes looking for a second meteorite to boost his powers. Spidey gets involved, as do the Fantastic Four, Ka-Zar, Stegron, and Dr. Strange. After that’s over, we’ve got three different, full-length backup features, all of them reprints from earlier Spider-Man stories — the first from one of the “Venom” miniseries, one from “Spider-Man: Death and Destiny,” and the last is a Japanese manga about a kid who calls himself “Spider-Man J.”

Verdict: Thumbs up. The backup stories are fairly forgettable, but the main attraction is the story with the Looter. It’s very fun, lots of action, lots of actual jokes. It’s everything you ever wanted in a Spidey story. It’s too bad that ‘Ringo wasn’t around to draw it himself…

 

Well! Spider-Man! “One More Day!”

What a screwup that was, huh?

For you non-comics people in the audience, Marvel’s Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada decided that he didn’t like Spider-Man being married to Mary Jane Watson. They’ve been married since 1987, and a bunch of Marvel insiders decided pretty quickly that they didn’t like Spidey being married. They felt like it made him too domestic, less of a sad-sack hero. I don’t agree, but I guess they’re entitled to their opinions, no matter who wrong-headed they are.

So Marvel was stuck with a married Spider-Man for 20 years. In all that time, they couldn’t think of any way to make Spidey un-married. It never occurred to them that they could have the characters divorce. Can you believe that? Frankly, there are times I suspect that comic book creators have something wrong with their brains.

Anyway, finally, Marvel decides they’ve got the perfect way to un-marry their most popular character, and they kick off a four-issue storyarc called “One More Day” to get the job done. What did they do? What was their surefire, perfect, can’t-fail idea?

They had Spider-Man make a deal with the devil.

The background is that Spidey had revealed his secret identity as Peter Parker to the whole world. Someone tried to kill him and shot his Aunt May by accident. Peter couldn’t accept that his aunt could die, and Mephisto — Marvel’s version of Old Scratch himself — shows up and offers to save her life, in exchange for retroactively nullifying their marriage. And they actually agree to it. “Oh, sure, we’ll potentially damn our immortal souls just to give Peter’s elderly aunt a few more years of life. What could possibly be the downside to that?”

Let me repeat: There are times I suspect that comic book creators have something wrong with their brains.

So now, Peter and Mary Jane aren’t married. Peter’s a 30-year-old unemployed loser living in Aunt May’s house, and he’s got his secret identity back.

The big problem for Marvel is that this was an unbelievably bad idea. Fine, fine, they don’t want Spider-Man to be married — but in that case, just divorce him. There’s absolutely no reason to have your most popular, most marketed character shaking hands with the Prince of Darkness. Heck, Marvel’s even sanitized Ghost Rider to get rid of his demonic origins (True story — they now say he turns into a biker with a flaming skull because he’s possessed by an angel. Wha?!) so why have kid-friendly Spider-Man cutting deals with the Adversary?

Possibly worse, from a comic-book standpoint, is that it throws a major kink into Marvel’s continuity — and Quesada himself had bragged that the loss of Spidey’s secret ID was going to be permanent, with long-lasting effects. Now, not only is the secret identity back, but 20 years’ worth of stories may have disappeared into the Gulfs. Marvel claims everything turned out mostly the same, but it’s not like Mary Jane spent the last two decades sitting around doing nothing, and writers who aren’t familiar with the subtle differences between pre-Mephisto and post-Mephisto are going to make some pretty big mistakes pretty soon. And the last time someone did a major retroactive refit of Spider-Man’s continuity, they called it the Clone Saga — the least popular storyline of any Spider-Man comic ever.

The assumption going ’round with most Spidey-fans is that, as soon as Quesada gets shown the door, someone will work out some way to undo “One More Day” — they may not bring back the marriage, but they’ll certainly work out some way to erase the deal-with-the-devil aspects of the story and just give them a normal, mundane divorce.

And it’s gotten a lot more people talking about Joe Quesada — and not in any good ways either. People are saying a screwup this monumental is proof that he’s been running the company for too long. I expect him to announce his retirement sooner, rather than later. Sure, they’ll say he’s leaving “to explore other storytelling opportunities” and “to spend more time with his family.” But everyone will know the truth.

From “The Amazing Spider-Man #8” by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko:

Ladieeees and gentlemen, in this corner, weighing in at some normal weight but with very heavy red hair, it’s Flaaaaaash Thoooompson! And in this corner, weighing in at some other normal weight but packing incredible spider strength and agility, it’s Peeeeeter Parrrrrker!

Hmmm, did Spider-Man invent rope-a-dope?

“The Brain is out of control” and “Can’t stop my blow”? Stan Lee was smoking the funny cigarettes.

It’s a “WHOOM!” with a view! Oh man, I crack myself up…

Look at that happy smile! Flash Thompson sure does love his potentially life-threatening concussion and possible spinal and cranial injuries!

As Bahlactus commands, so let it be done!

Marvel Comics has just released a preview image of the cover of “Spider-Man #545,” along with a caption that says “The End of an Era.” Click the link to view the image, but the implication is that the marriage of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson is soon going to be over. 

Comic companies go through fairly silly cycles when it comes to marriage and divorce. They get the characters married because they know that a wedding issue will bring in extra sales. And afterwards, they start whining about the characters being married, because they think that married superheroes will run off kids who read comics.

DC has whined for years about Superman being married to Lois Lane, and Marvel has whined about Spidey being married to Mary Jane.

I can’t say I know why they think married characters are unpopular with readers. Seems like I know an awful lot of comics readers who are married, and I don’t know why they’d mind.

So what do you think? Are Spidey and Mary Jane getting a divorce (or worse)? And do you approve or disapprove?