Dethklok vs. The Goon! Let me repeat: Dethklok vs. The Goon!

Yes, the Goon, as in “The Goon,” Eric Powell’s incredible noir-horror masterpiece of zombie fighting, toilet humor, and big guys wearing cloth caps.

Yes, Dethklok, as in the insanely brutal death metal band from the twisted and head-banging “Metalocalypse” cartoon on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim.

Yes, it’s coming out in July, with Eric Powell and “Metalocalypse” creator Brendan Small rocking the comics pages.

And yes, it’s still the most metal thing ever, even though it’s gonna be in a comic book and won’t have any actual heavy metal music playing.

Yes, I’m gonna get it. Don’t you get in my way, or I’m stickin’ a shiv in yer neck.

(Via here, here, and here)

As it turned out, I didn’t go see the midnight showing for “Watchmen” — I’ve been having a really rough time with my allergies lately, and I didn’t much want to spend three hours in a theater sneezing my head off. Another time, maybe.

We got time for reviews? Sure we got time for reviews.

The Goon #32

It’s the big tenth-anniversary issue of Eric Powell’s noir-horror-comedy “The Goon.” We get an extra-large issue featuring the Zombie Priest’s origin, the Goon’s birthday party, the world’s most horrible singing telegram, the monstrous god of hobos, a delicious cake, and a digression about the ins-and-outs of animal-human-sex-humor starring Powell, writer-director Frank Darabont, and a Mr. T robot. All that plus a sketchbook with art by Mike Mignola, Jeff Smith, and Bernie Wrightson, Powell’s notes on the development of the Goon, and Powell’s tales of his trip to Paris.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Just grand, crude, hilarious, awesome stuff.

The Umbrella Academy: Dallas #4

That’s an awesome cover.

Anyway, Seance has been shot in the head and killed, and he still manages to take out sugar-rushed assassins Hazel and Cha Cha! After that, it’s time to reboot Spaceboy, dig up Dr. Pogo’s grave, grab the Kraken, and go time tripping to stop the Rumor and Number 5 from killing President Kennedy. Anything else? Well, there are the nukes, but I’m pretty sure someone knows how to defuse those, right? Right?

Verdict: Another thumbs up. This one is crammed full of whacked-out lunacy, played almost completely straight, and it’s got one of the best cliffhanger endings I’ve seen in quite a while.

Blue Beetle #34

Uh-oh, Dr. Polaris has killed Blue Beetle! Or has he? Oh, of course he hasn’t. Actually, Jaime’s armor temporarily killed him to avoid getting vaporized by Polaris’ magnetic attacks. The new strategy: flood Polaris’ body with gluons to, well, make him feel really sick. Luckily, Jaime has some allies, like Polaris’ estranged daughter, who stabs him with a plank of wood, and some of his former minions, who also lay a little smackdown on him. Oh, and Jaime’s got a proton cannon, too, so that’ll probably help. On top of all that, Brenda and Paco ponder whether they’re ready to start a relationship together, and Jaime puts some mass-media hurt on an ambitious politician’s political aspirations.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Definitely feels like a return-to-form for this title, with great one-liners, great action, great plot development, great characterization. Final issue coming up soon, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep showing it some love.

The Goon #31

It’s the final battle against the horrific Labrazio and his minions. Labrazio shoots one of the orphans, and it looks like he’s got the Goon over the barrel, but Franky comes to the rescue. Meanwhile, Buzzard surprises the monstrous woky by figuring out an answer to his question. The Goon and Buzzard know how to stop Labrazio once and for all, but will they be able to enact their plan before the villains hurt more of the Goon’s friends?

Verdict: Thumbs up. Good gravy, what a thumbs up. Action galore, Labrazio’s secret revealed, a hopeless battle, a last-minute save, and a bit of last-page heartbreak to carry us home. Eric Powell has turned out one of the best comics of the past year right here. Go get this issue, go get the back issues, go get the collections.

Green Lantern #36

The Red Lanterns have Sinestro, with plans to torture him to death. Meanwhile, Fatality gets converted into the Star Sapphires, and the Green Lanterns get saved by a Blue Lantern, an alien who calls himself Saint Walker, whose ring is able to mega-charge Green Lantern power rings and provide hope and healing to anyone. Walker takes Hal Jordan to his home planet, where he meets Ganthet and Sayd, former Guardians who now run the Blue Lanterns. They tell him that they want him to become the leader of the Blue Lanterns.

Verdict: Thumbs down. The blood-puking Red Lanterns have gotten very tiresome, Saint Walker makes me want to hurt small children and puppies, and I’m no longer sure I can stand the creation of the Orange and Indigo Lanterns, much less the Black Lanterns.

The Goon #30

Bella, the love of the Goon’s life, is back. The Goon doesn’t want to talk to her, because she broke his heart. Franky doesn’t want her around because she makes the Goon crazy. The pitiful tale of Roscoe the Orphaned Werepup gets even more pitiful when he gets hit by a train. Labrazio takes some more revenge on the Goon’s allies. Buzzard has control of the Zombie Priest, but he runs into a monster called a woky that wants the answer to a question that Buzzard doesn’t know.

Verdict: Thumbs up. The woky is good and scary, and the soap opera that is the Goon’s life is full of more ups and downs. The story concludes in the next issue — expect a lot more fighting and a lot more awful stuff to happen to the Goon and his friends. This is a smack-jam awesome comic book — you should be reading every issue you can get your paws on.

Captain Britain and MI-13 #7

Plotka, the creator of the Mindless Ones, is running amok in Birmingham, creating slaves by offering people their hearts’ desires — and he manages to snag Captain Britain by offering him his long-lost wife, Meggan. Blade and Spitfire call a truce in their vampire-hunter-vs.-vampire-speedster brawl to join the fight against the monsters, but with Plotka creating more and more unstoppable Mindless Ones, does anyone have a chance of surviving?

Verdict: Thumbs up. Wild stuff going on here. There are some surprising secrets revealed about the Black Knight’s Ebony Blade, Captain Britain’s fantasy of life with Meggan is well-done, and I’m glad Blade isn’t likely to turn out to be a one-shot hero-killer. I do wish they’d figure out some way to heal up Spitfire’s skeletal arm, though…

Manhunter #36

Manhunter and the rest of the Birds of Prey get out of Mexico, the Suicide Squad shuts down the sadistic Crime Doctor, Cameron Chase is pregnant, Dylan is on the run from the Joker, and Kate goes public with enough evidence to shut down unethical megacorp Vesetech, thanks to their tainted research into almost every piece of medical and drug treatment on the market. But all the publicity isn’t all good for Kate — it gets her screamed at by Amanda Waller, and Mr. Bones has to cut her loose from the DEO. On top of that, Kate doesn’t even know yet that her son has superpowers.

Verdict: Thumbs up. I still think the art is weird, but it’s kinda cool to have a comic where the hero delivers the coup de grace to a villain in the form of a lengthy analysis of legal and evidentiary issues.

What’s that ya say? Tomorrow’s Halloween? Well, by gum, let’s dig up some nice monstery comics and see how they look?

Hellboy: In the Chapel of Moloch

Hey, Mike Mignola is back writing and drawing Hellboy again! The technical term for this is: “totally sweet.” Hellboy investigates a case where an artist of middling talent takes up residence in a spooky church and sculpts up a honkin’ huge statue of a demon called Moloch. And the statue actually bleeds when you cut it! Turns out the church was the headquarters, centuries ago, of a Moloch-worshiping cult, and the forces of Hell still have influence here. Will Hellboy go for a simple, quiet exorcism? Or a great deal of smashing and breaking and shooting?

Verdict: Thumbs up. Man, it’s great to see Mignola drawing Hellboy again. He ain’t lost a trick, either — this is spooky, moody, eerie — and yeah, very action-packed stuff. And the writing remains top-notch. Mignola drags up all kinds of creepy historical and semi-historical tidbits to help move the story along. A cult that roasted babies alive? A saint who fought in the Crusades even though he’d been decapitated? Ooky, and fun. More please, Mr. Mignola.

Monster-Size Hulk

Four different stories as Hulk fights… MOOOONSTERRRRS! We get one where Hulk takes on Frankenstein’s Monster, possibly even returning him to standard Marvel continuity. The second story features Werewolf by Night. The third one is a short little two-page comedy starring Marvel’s classic giant monsters. The last one is neat — mostly text by Peter David, with a couple of illustrations, as the Hulk takes on Dracula himself.

Verdict: Thumbs up. I loved the one with Frankenstein, and I thought the story with Dracula was outstanding. This is the Dracula from Marvel’s classic ’70s series “Tomb of Dracula” with a ruthless, megalomaniacal, grandstanding Count Dracula — a character I’ve long enjoyed.

Marvel Adventures: The Hulk #13

Marvel’s all-ages books all seem to be exceptionally good, and this one is a lot of fun. The Hulk tangles with the Living Pharaoh, and he’s managed to enslave most of Marvel’s heroes by turning them into mummies! And they’re pretty creepy mummies, too! Can Hulk, Rick Jones, and their pet monkey (Um, what?) figure out a way to stop the Pharaoh in time?

Verdict: Thumbs up. I’m impressed that they managed to make what’s basically a kids’ version of “Marvel Zombies.” Yes, it’s a little scary, but still fun.

The Goon #29

Skinny is back from the dead as Mr. Wicker — he’s basically a wood-covered, burning zombie. Yeah, takes all kinds. And the orphans get a new playmate — Merle the Werewolf’s son, Roscoe the Werepup. Roscoe claims to be able to fart and whistle at the same time — we’ll see if this amazing talent eventually becomes useful.

Verdict: Thumbs up again. This one has zombies, werewolves, wood monsters, and more. Great, if slightly crude, Halloween reading. But you wouldn’t want the Goon to be anything but.

Booster Gold #12

Last issue, Booster’s plan was to beat Batman while posing as Killer Moth. Unfortunately, that just made the time glitch even worse, so the new plan is for Booster to pose as Batman and stop Killer Moth — who, remember, is also Booster. Got a headache yet? Booster and his sister Goldstar pay a visit to the Batcave, but they’re attacked by a shotgun-wielding Alfred. They manage to escape with the Batmobile, but they’re not able to get one of Batman’s costumes, so instead, they stop by the home of Commissioner Gordon and his daughter Barbara, where Goldstar steals a Batgirl costume. Booster still needs a disguise, since if his previous self sees himself wearing his regular costume, it’ll cause more time glitches, plus it’ll make readers’ time travel headaches even worse. So instead, Booster disguises himself as Elvis. So Elvis-Booster beats Moth-Booster, the time traveler gets his loot, goes back into the past, endows a children’s hospital, and all is made right with the timestream. I think. Man, it’s hard to say with time travel.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Yes, it’s full of confusing time paradoxes, but dang it, that’s what good time travel stories are all about.

The Goon #28

While the Goon puts the muscle on the lowlifes in town to make sure they’re not working with Labrazio. And Charley Mudd has been driven a bit ’round the bend by the death of his brother. He hallucinates that a tree stump is actually his brother Bill. When he finds out that a low-level gang leader named Joey the Ball (his hand is stuck in a bowling ball) was behind the murder of his brother, Charley pays him a visit and kills him and his hench-zombies with the stump. And the Buzzard has captured the blinded and humilated Zombie Priest after learning his True Name and forcing his loyalty. The story culminates in a grand finale in which the Goon meets up with a lowlife renting out his mule for, um, deviant purposes… so the Goon beats the stuffing out of the poor mule to make sure the guy won’t be able to make any more money off of it. Poor mule.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Mule beatings, stump murders, and Franky kicking a cat with a human face. Solid gold!

 

Hellboy: The Crooked Man #2

We got two horror masters working on this one. Mike Mignola, creator of Hellboy, handles the writing, while Richard Corben takes care of the art. Hellboy, Tom Ferrell, and Cora Fisher are heading for a church in the Appalachian Mountains to bury Tom’s father. But the witches in the area — including the creepy, subterranean, monster-witches who live in the mines below — don’t want Cora to get away from them, so they hex her until her body explodes with hordes of eyeless albino frogs, bats, snakes and centipedes! Yuck! When Tom and Hellboy finally get to the church, they find it mostly ruined, but the blind preacher who runs it tells them that Cora’s soul was saved and that the church, as consecrated ground, is guaranteed safe ground from witches. But is it safe from the evil Crooked Man himself?

Verdict: Thumbs up. Very creepy. I mean, very, very creepy. Most Hellboy stories tend to have as much pulp action in ’em as horror, but this one, so far, is pretty pure scary stuff. Grand fun.

 

B.P.R.D.: The Warning #2

The entire B.P.R.D. team mobilizes to track down Gilfryd, the immortal mad sorceror who’s been invading Liz Sherman’s mind. They find his temple in the South American jungles, but they can’t find him. Or rather, he won’t let them find him. He puts the rest of the squad in a trance and appears to Liz alone, threatening to kill everyone if she doesn’t come with him. Everyone else gets caught completely flat-footed — Liz vanishes, Gilfryd gets away, and they even lose their transport planes to sabotage.

Verdict: I think I’ll give it a thumbs up. Nothing real fancy, but the story’s advancing nicely, and we still get some good creepy moments.

 

The Goon #27

We take a break from our regular storyline to get a trio of stories here. First, Eric Powell brings us the, umm, heartwarming story of a zombie momma and her horde of gross but devoted zombie-monster babies. After that, Kyle Holtz sends the Goon and Frankie on a quest to track down the monstrous and smelly Skunk Ape in its new disguise. Finally, Rebecca Sugar has a short story about the criminal mad scientist Dr. Alloy. And Eric’s letter column includes news about the cage fighter and roller derby team he’s sponsoring. Plus, bank managers in South Africa and China want Eric to send them some money!

Verdict: Baby, I do believe “The Goon” always gets a thumbs up. Funny, goofy, gross, and weird, so it’s got all the stuff I love.

 

The Goon #26

Bill and Charlie Mudd, a couple of dimwitted bog-lurks who are on the Goon’s side of the battle, are unexpectedly ambushed by Labrazio and the Zombie Master’s forces. Realizing that the Mudd Brothers couldn’t have been attacked unless someone was informing on the good guys, the Goon recruits the local orphans to infiltrate Madame Elsa’s burlesque parlor and see who’s been talking to Labrazio. The kids sneak in disguised as “a grown man with a mustache,” and proceed to clumsily hit on waitresses and demand brewskis… because isn’t that what grown men with mustaches do in burlesque houses? Anyway, they find out who the traitor is, and the Goon later tortures the poor stooge to death.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Things are still really, really grim and depressing, but there are still some great moments for humor, thanks to the kids and their awful disguise.

 

B.P.R.D.: The Warning #1

While Abe Sapien and a group of B.P.R.D. agents camp in the snow looking for the missing Ben Daimo, Liz Sherman, Kate Corrigan, Johann Kraus, and Panya the reanimated mummy conduct a seance to contact the spirit of Lobster Johnson. They’re rewarded with an eerie shower of Lobster’s calling cards and a mysterious name spelled out on a wall — a name that Panya is familiar with from the 19th century. It turns out that he’s the snake-festooned mystic who’s been haunting Liz’s dreams, so Panya goes on a telepathic quest to track him down.

Verdict: Thumbs up. It’s been a while since we saw a B.P.R.D. comic that was so completely dedicated to horror and creepy imagery — the pages with the downpour of Lobster cards alone are worth the price of the comic.

 

The Goon #25

A pretty serious issue. The Buzzard reveals some pretty scary stuff to the Goon — the entire town is cursed. No one there can ever be truly happy, sadness and pain will inevitably multiply, more and more powerful monsters will come. The Goon is the only hope for anyone to survive in the town, but if he stays, he’s doomed to sorrow and misery and hardship until the day he dies. If he leaves, he has a shot at happiness and a normal life, but the town will eventually be destroyed by evil forces.

And the Goon decides to leave.

Verdict: Thumbs up. Obviously, I’m not telling you the whole story, but it’s excellent, and you should go read it. Frankie gets to show an uncommonly sensible side for once, and the whole story, all the characterization and dialogue and action, are just wonderful. If you ain’t reading “The Goon,” you’re a stone-cold sucker.

 

Locke and Key #5

Psycho teen murder-junkie Sam Lesser finally makes it to Lovecraft, Massachusetts, leaving a long, bloody trail of bodies behind him. While he attacks Kinsey and Tyler and locks their mom and cousin in the cellar, Bode Locke is talking to the sinister echo in the well, telling her that he doesn’t trust her and won’t be back… and she actually gets out of the well and grabs him. Sam and the Echo both want one special key, and if Bode can’t find it, his whole family will die.

Verdict: Thumbs up, I think. I still wish I’d been able to read all the previous issues of this, so I’d understand a bit more of what was going on. But the suspense is good, the shocks are good. Sam and the Echo both make excellent antagonists. I am really curious how this is all going to end.

I picked up a couple of horror books that I’ve been thinking of as sure things — that nevertheless just didn’t float my boat this time.

 

The Goon #24

There are two stories in this one — a spirit tells a hermit called the Buzzard how Lonely Street got to be so cursed and awful. Basically, he was a pioneer who was stranded in the woods with his family, his business partner, and a woman he lusted for. She manipulated him into becoming a cannibal and killing his family for her, then she left him alone to die. The second story is a silly little work about a gate to hell opening up, leading the Goon and Frankie on a short quest to shut it down.

Verdict: Thumbs down. I liked the first story, but the second just bored me.

 

Locke and Key #4

First, lemme say that’s a really pretty cover. It’s got nice, shiny gold lettering that, unfortunately, doesn’t scan very well.

The psychotic Sam Lesser has escaped from the insane asylum and is killing his way across the country to get to Tyler Locke and the rest of his family in the Keyhouse mansion in Lovecraft, Massachusetts. The best moment comes in a flashback when Sam watches a figure in a painting send him a message. Nice and creepy there, but the rest just didn’t grab my interest.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Granted, at least part of my problem with this one is that I read the first issue, then missed the next two. Still, I can’t really recommend it. Maybe it’ll be better when they collect the whole thing into a trade paperback.

Sorry, y’all, nothing real goofy-fun this time.