Gather ’round, kids. It’s Friday evening, and we’re all dying to get the weekend started. But there’s no way to get it started right without comic book violence. It’s in the Constitution, man! So batten down the hatches — it’s time for… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle comes to us courtesy of January 2010’s Justice Society of America #33 by Bill Willingham, Matthew Sturges, and Jesus Merino, as Wildcat puts some whuppin’ down on the losers of the Dog Pound.

Head over to SpaceBooger’s joint and vote for your favorite fights!

Holy cow, people, we got an absolute marathon set up for tonight’s edition of Friday Night Fights, so let’s get straight into it.

From February 1984’s What If? #43 by Peter B. Gillis and Bob Hall, we’ve got mighty Conan of Cimmeria — “black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandalled feet,” to quote “The Phoenix on the Sword” — and something has transported him to 1980s New York City! Can the great barbarian make an honest living in the Big Apple?

Ha ha, NO.

Mighty Conan cares not for paper money. He’s probably one of Ron Paul’s gold hoarders, the poor soul.

But it’s not long before Conan has picked up a good deal of American English and made himself a fair bit of money. So he buys himself some new threads and goes to visit a friend.

Hey, man, that suit is you! You’ll get some leg tonight for sure! Tell us how you do!

But listen, it’s a Marvel comic book, and that means eventually, there’s gonna be superheroes. And then, there’s gonna be lots and lots of fighting.

All hail Conan! All hail King Conan!

Okay, people, it’s Friday night, the work week is over, and it’s time to enjoy two days of rest and relaxation. And how do we traditionally begin our much-too-rare periods of rest and relaxation? With… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle comes to us from July 2012’s Popeye #3 by Roger Langridge and Tom Neely. Popeye’s in the ring with the terrifyingly ominous and powerful fighter called the Phantom Crusher. But is Popeye’s opponent hiding some terrible secret?!

HOLY BANANAS, POPEYE JUST PUNCHED OUT A DISGUISED HORSE! (runs through town ringing bells) THIS IS THE GREATEST THING IN HUMAN HISTORY!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, gather ye ’round so we can get this weekend started right. It’s time for… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle comes to us from November 2010’s Billy Batson and the Magic of Shazam #20 by Art Baltazar, Franco, and Mike Norton. The bad guys got Captain Marvel down, but it doesn’t take much to turn the tide against Mr. Mind and Dr. Sivana.

Ah, how the worm, as they say, has turned…

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your eyes; I come to bury the workweek, not to praise it. The evil that men do lives after the beer run; The good is oft interred with — well, also with the beer run; So let it be with… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle comes to us from July 2012’s Batman Inc. #1 by Grant Morrison and Chris Burnham, where Robin gets to do this:

One panel, multiple butt-whuppin’s. That’s a kid who knows how to live it up.

Citizens, gather ’round! If it is Friday (and it is!) and it is also night (ehh, close enough!) and if we are all highly anticipatory of looming comic-book violence (and we are!), then it must be time for… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight, our noble organizer Spacebooger has insisted on a theme: doubles. Could be characters with double initials, could be double punches, but I’m going with the obvious choice — doubled characters!

So, from October 2010’s Supergirl #55 by Sterling Gates and Jamal Igle, here’s Supergirl taking on Bizarrogirl!

And remember to head out to Spacebooger’s place and vote for your favorite fight! Not just this week, but every week!

It’s time for the final Friday Night Fights of 2012! Do we have an epic battle between Old Man Time and Baby New Year? Superheroes slugging it out at a New Year’s party? The ghost of Dick Clark beating up whoever’s doing the New Year’s specials nowadays? No! I couldn’t find anything that appropriate. So tonight is Season-Inappropriate Beatdowns on… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle comes to us from October 1973’s Action Comics #428 by Elliot S! Maggin and Dick Giordano, as Black Canary flips some arrogant dork.

Ya gotta admit — there isn’t anyone who deserves to get his ass kicked by Black Canary more than Green Arrow. They could do that in every issue for the next decade, and Ollie would still have worse coming to him…

Awright, kids, it’s the last weekend before Christmas, and if you think we’re gonna go easy on the harmless cartoon violence just for the sake of the holiday, you’re sadly mistaken. It’s mere days from Christmas, and it’s time for… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s festive rannygazoo comes to us from February 2007’s DCU Infinite Holiday Special #1, in the story “Yes, Tyrone, There is a Santa Claus” by Kelley Puckett and Pete Woods. Superman has decided to help a family in need, and because the kids don’t believe in Santa Claus, he’s decided to get dressed up as Old St. Nick to rekindle their love of the holiday. However, it turns out that Batman does not approve of the masquerade.

Yes, Batman, we know. Your parents are DEEAAAAAAD!

So Batman talks Superman out of the charade, but the Man of Steel later decides he’ll pay the family a visit anyway. And what to his wondering eyes should appear…?

That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Okay, people, it’s Friday, and as fast as the sun sets these days, it may as well be night already, so that’s good enough for me. Let’s kick off the weekend the violent-tastic way with… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle comes to us from November 1982’s New Teen Titans #25 by Marv Wolfman and George Perez. Starfire has been kidnapped by her rotten sister Blackfire and dragged off to another galaxy. The Teen Titans have pursued and gotten involved with the Omega Men and an intergalactic war, but they’ve finally tracked down Starfire. Cyborg takes Lord Damyn, a really stupid brute of a leader (though he does rock a mean fez), as a hostage to get Kory released, but Blackfire has her own ideas about how this should all play out…

It’s kinda sad. That fez really was awesome, wasn’t it?

Citizens! Seek ye not the finest in weekend entertainment and furious battle? Seek ye not the glories of comic book combat? Seek ye not a jumbo bag of Funyuns and a bucket of fresh queso? Then know ye that it is time for… FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Tonight’s battle comes to us from June 2010’s Thor #609 by Kieron Gillen, Billy Tan, Rich Elson, and Matt Banning. While Balder the Brave seeks to inspire the warriors of Asgard with a thoroughly shiny light show, a group of villains, including the Hood and the Wrecking Crew, are watching. Let’s see what happens!

The Hood was supposed to be a smart guy, right? Didn’t he know that Balder could only be harmed by mistletoe?