Wow, what a week. It ain’t even over yet, as I got work to do tomorrow afternoon. Actual work, not “sitting at home playing videogames” work. Truly, no one has ever suffered as horribly as I have. But I know a great way to soothe my deeply wounded soul — Friday Night Fights!

From 1997’s Lobo the Duck #1 by Al Grant and Val Semeiks: When Bevarlene catches her, um, well, boyfriend Lobo the Duck foolin’ around, she does what any mild-mannered um, well, girlfriend would do in that situation: she beats him with a metal pipe.

Wauugh, indeed.

The moral: Guys, don’t fool around with trashy green-skinned chicks. Gals, keep a metal pipe around to use on your idiot um, well, boyfriend.

It’s the day after Thanksgiving, and you’re still so stuffed full of tryptophan, so exhausted from showing up at the mall at 4 a.m., it’s a wonder your heart is still able to beat. How to get you back on your feet for the weekend? You need adrenaline, excitement, pointless violence, and a big, thick, steamin’ bowl of BOOM-SHAKALAKA! You need FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Our action tonight is from 2002’s “The Adventures of Screw-On Head” by Mike Mignola.

Dum-dee-dum, nothing much going on here. Just standing around and — hey, everyone watch it, there’s an untethered anchor over there. If we’re not careful, it could end up plunked through someone’s chest. So watch it. I said watch it! Hey, did you hear me?

Pff. No one listens to me.

In the distant misty mists of prehistory, humanity was born with a burning thirst for both righteous violence and weekend maxxin’ and relaxxin’. But for millennia, none have known how to combine these twin desires. But now, we have the secret formula! We have… Friday Night Fights!

From “World War Hulk #5” by Greg Pak and John Romita, Jr., a series which was apparently designed with Friday Night Fights in mind: Hulk introduces the Sentry to his fist.

Umm, the Sentry really seems to be getting into the horrific and brutal Hulk-beating a bit too much. “Just once more”? Takes all kinds to make a world, but I just hope Hulk knows the safeword…

If it’s Friday night, you know what that means, Bahlactus demands that everyone get busy with mayhem, melees, and mangling! Dare we refuse his demand? NAY! Let the Friday Night Fights commence!

From “Biff Bam Pow #1” by Evan Dorkin and Sarah Dyer, One-Punch Goldberg, former space-boxer, lives up to her nickname by rattling the empty skull of an obnoxious autograph-seeker:

When you’re not only a boxer, but a boxer… IN SPAAAAACE… that really ratchets up your level of badassery.

Hully chee, it’s Friday night — isn’t there something we’re supposed to do on Friday nights? Oh, yeah! It’s Friday Night Fights!

From the recent second issue of “Lobster Johnson” by Mike Mignola and Jason Armstrong:

That’s Lobster Johnson getting his skull rattled by a guy with a giant metal claw in place of his arm.

Minor quibble: With a giant “KONG” sound effect, there really should be a giant monkey in this panel.

Bahlactus demands our gratuitously violent tribute!

If there’s one thing that Bahlactus likes, it’s gotta be starting the weekend with some copious and entirely gratuitous violence. And so when Bahlactus demands Friday Night Fights, who are we to refuse him?

From 2002’s “Thing/She-Hulk: The Long Night” by Todd Dezago, Bryan Hitch, Paul Neary, Ivan Reis, and Randy Emberlin:

The Thing sets Dragon Man up…

…and She-Hulk knocks Dragon Man down!

It’s violentastic!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, big dawgs and kitty-kats, y’all know what happens on Friday nights, right? Bahlactus commands that there be fightin’ — so fightin’ thar be!

From the origin of the Spectre, from 1940’s “More Fun Comics #52” by Jerry Siegel and Bernard Baily:

Hey, it’s fightin’ cop Jim Corrigan! Playin’ a little chin-checkers! Watch that hat fly!

Boy, Jim Corrigan sure does like to fight! Is there anything else he likes to do?

…

…

…

…

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Holy guacamole, that Jim Corrigan sure does love to fight!

Well, the Tech-A&M game is tomorrow, but for tonight, Bahlactus demands nothing less than Friday Night Fights!

But surely we can find a way to combine football with butt-kicking? From the late great Dirk West, sports cartoonist extraordinaire:

Wow, Raider Red not only managed to fracture the Aggie’s pelvis and spine, but he also completely shattered the word “POW!” That’s not easy to do, especially with a cartoon boot.

Alright, Red Raiders: Go ye forth and do likewise!

Well, it’s Friday night, and you know what that means — Friday Night Fights!

I looked long and hard for the proper butt-whuppin’ to kick off the weekend, and I finally decided that what we all really need is a Viking decapitating an evil lizard alien. Am I right? Of course I’m right!

 

From Greg Hyland’s “Lethargic Lad”: Lethargic Lad, dressed as a Viking, chops off an evil lizard alien’s head with a battleaxe!

Bahlactus would approve!

After a two-week hiatus, it begins anew! Bahlactus commands: Let Fridays be devoted to violence, pain, and brutal, merciless beat-downs! Let Friday Night Fights commence!

From the first issue of “The Umbrella Academy” by Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba:

A ten-year-old boy beats the rivets off an evil, death-ray-shooting Eiffel Tower!

Beaucoup brutalite!