After reading last night’s newest books, I still ain’t got my fill of Dark Side or Darkseid butt-whuppin’. And while there’s a great deal of pain dished out in the third issue of Grant Morrison’s “Mister Miracle” series, the coloration on those pages may be a bit too murky to scan well, especially while Bahlactus is decreeing black-and-white fight scenes. And dangit, most of my comics just don’t have that many scenes of Darkseid beating the snot outta someone — he tends to just stand around scheming with his hands clasped behind his back. So, sorrowfully, I had to dig up a scan from John Byrne and Dick Giordano’s Action Comics #586 from 1987, with Superman beating up on the Big D.

 

 

A serviceable fightfest, Kryptonian, but the Lord of Apokolips never stays down for long…

Man, ain’t it been a long week? For a work schedule that’s supposed to be just 40 hours long, it sure does feel like I worked twice that. But it’s Friday now, and you know what that means. It’s time for the perfect way to blow off some steam — it’s time for Friday Night Fights!

This week, our fightfest comes to us from 1978’s The Amazing Spider-Man #187 by Marv Wolfman and Jim Starlin. Spidey’s stuck in the suburbs investigating why a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents have evacuated a small town when he runs into Captain America. Oh boy! Captain America! Good ol’ Captain America! He’ll help out!

 

Um, or he won’t, I guess. But Spidey has all those nifty spider powers, right? He can make mincemeat of that chemically-enhanced super-patriot, right?

 

That’s some mighty fine fisticuffing, young-uns. I think that Jim Starlin guy has a future in the comic book industry, don’t you?

Okay, fact is, I love, love, love Evan Dorkin‘s “Milk and Cheese” comics. Not just because of the horrific violence, not just for the gin-swilling, not just because of the crude and unsubtle commentary on everything irritating about pop culture and modern life. No, I love those little guys’ eyebrows. They’re hilarious.

But the eyebrows aren’t important right now! Because it’s Friday Night Fights! And that means the only thing important right now is nicely overblown butt-whompin’!

But dangit, I just used “Milk and Cheese” last week. Is there any way I could disguise this, so Bahlactus doesn’t think I’m repeating myself? Maybe if we disguise them with some sort of mask…?

Wow, that’s awesome. Only thing that’d make that better would be if Darth Milk and Cheese were beating up on Ewoks. Hey, wait a minute…

Awright, it’s Friday Night Fights time again! But my head’s still stuck in Lubbock Comic Book Expo mode! Can this dilemma be resolved? Possibly with homicidal cartoon dairy products visiting a comic book convention?

 

 

 

 

Thanks, Milk and Cheese! I knew I could count on you!

And one more fast reminder — see you guys tomorrow morning at 10 at the Science Spectrum for the Comic Book Expo! Woo!

Bahlactus declares that Friday Night Fights is back in business! But there’s a twist for this next 12-week round — all fights have to be in black-and-white! Why? Because BAHLACTUS SAYS SO, THAT’S WHY!

So let’s kick things off with one of the most thoroughly film noir-ish superhero comics of the mid-1990s, James Robinson’s glorious Starman. Here’s a bit from the climactic battle between Jack Knight and the Mist’s son, Kyle, from what I’m thinking is the third issue of the series.

 

Hmm, loses a bit without the color. Still, Tony Harris sure could draw a dandy fight.

I already used a fight from this comic last Friday, but this one was just too good to pass up.

From the story “The Greater Good” by Darwyn Cooke in DC’s Justice League: The New Frontier Special: Batman gives Superman a nice little boot to the head:

It’s just one panel, but I suspect Bahlactus approves.

You may find yourself thinking, “Self, I want more from my Friday nights than just gratuitous violence, horrendous beatings, and drunken barroom brawls. I want love, happiness, peace on earth, a friendly game of foosball, and a can of domestic light beer. Is that so much to ask?” Well, frankly, yes, it is. Please don’t bother us with your sick, disgusting fantasies of Friday nights without fights. Because we normal folk prefer FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

From “The Mother of the Movement” by Darwyn Cooke and J. Bone, from DC’s recent Justice League: The New Frontier Special, Wonder Woman, with Black Canary along for the ride, encounters a small horde of male chauvinist punching-bags in a local gentlemen’s club:

 

“Hola, dogs!” is our Phrase of the Weekend, by the way. Make sure you say it to someone before Monday hits.

Anyway, this leads to some of the best comic-book sound effects I’ve seen so far this year.

 

By the way, folks, when you’re facing an angry Amazon, your best weapon is probably not a Zippo lighter and a snifter of brandy, okay?

 

 

Luckily, Wondy isn’t harmed by — Whoa, wait a minute!

 

Oh my.

 

Oh my.

 

A little pain, a little pleasure. That’s what Friday Night Fights is all about. Hola, dogs!

Looks like Friday Night Fights is back on! And you know what that means, right? Right? No, not macramé and lemon cookies! Not feeding the duckies down by the lake! Not going to the mall to buy new underwear! It means FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS!

Our little chunk of violence tonight is from 1997’s JLA #9 by Grant Morrison and Oscar Jimenez. In it, we see the Key, a guy who got his name by digging in his pants pockets, preparing to traverse an interdimensional lock to attain omnipotent power.

 

Sounds like bad news. Perhaps an off-panel Connor “Green Arrow” Hawke can help foil his evil plan to, um, walk through a glowing door?

 

WHHHHUNNTCH! Is there no more joyful sound in all the world than “WHHHHUNNTCH?”

 

Aaaaand… Scene.

Merry Weekend, everyone. May you have several delicious WHHHHUNNTCHes.

Can you believe Bahlactus has called a one-week break in Friday Night Fights?! This is the worst thing in history, or at least since my last post!

Well, fine, if we’re gonna be non-violent, I can be non-violent, too.

From the bizarre and yet strangely hilarious Garfield Minus Garfield website, which photoshops the cat out of “Garfield” comic strips, here’s Jon Arbuckle having pants-related difficulties.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Now that is definitely nonviolentastic.

Let’s hope we’re back to the standard face-punching Friday Night Fights next week.

Friday Night Fights and Leap Year Day happening on the same day? This calls for one thing:

Batroc the Leaper!

Oh, okay, Batroc, we’ll try it your way. Batroc ze Leapair!

Parlez-vous face-kicking, oui?

(From 2003’s Avengers/JLA #4 by Kurt Busiek and George Perez)