If you were trying to come up with the ultimate conservative superhero, it’d be hard to miss with Captain America, don’tcha think? I mean, the guy was a soldier, so desperate to serve his country that he volunteered for a dangerous chemical experiment and agreed to wear just about the gaudiest red, white, and blue costume imaginable. He was plucked out of the 1940s and revived about 20-40 years later, depending on what version of Marvel continuity you go with. By all rights, he should be almost a cartoon of nationalistic fervor. Indeed, he’s often been parodied as an over-the-top patriotic extremist.

But Cap really is a dream assignment for anyone who wants to write about public affairs, the nature of patriotism, or the state of the nation. One of his most amazing appearances came in a comic that was actually outside of Marvel’s regular continuity.

In 1984’s What If? #44 by Peter B. Gillis, Sal Buscema, and Dave Simons, we take a look at a parallel universe where Cap’s disappearance leads to the creation of an alternate Cap. But the new Cap’s patriotism comes in a decidedly dark flavor. His paranoia about Communism leads him to denounce anything that threatens the status quo, and he becomes a propagandist opposing civil rights and free speech. In time, a faked assassination attempt on him allows a group called the Secret Empire to take over the country and declare martial law.

The real Captain America thaws out of his iceberg many years later, awakening to an America that looks more like Nazi Germany than the United States. Jackbooted thugs wearing Cap’s “A” on their jackets terrorize the populace, no one has any rights to speak of, and everyone is required, almost by law, to idolize Captain America, for fear that the Commies will take over if the nation shows any weakness.

Of course, there’s a terrific battle between the two Caps, with both spouting off entire political soliloquies between every punch. As expected, the real Captain America emerges triumphant. But that’s not the end of it. Cap makes a grand oratory to the crowds who just watched him beat up the fake Cap, and the result is both shocking and inspiring.

Here it is, along with my transcription, just in case you can’t read the text in the panels.

“Listen to me — all of you out there! You were told by this man — your hero — that America is the greatest country in the world!”

“He told you that Americans were the greatest people — that America could be refined like silver, could have the impurities hammered out of it, and shine more brightly!

“He went on about how precious America was — how you needed to make sure it remained great!

“And he told you anything was justified to preserve that great treasure, that pearl of great treasure that is America!”

“Well, I say America is nothing! Without its ideals — its commitment to the freedom of all men, America is a piece of trash!

“A nation is nothing! A flag is a piece of cloth!!”

“I fought Adolf Hitler not because America was great, but because it was fragile! I knew that liberty could as easily be snuffed out here as in Nazi Germany! As a people, we were no different from them!

“When I returned, I saw that you nearly did turn America into nothing!

“And the only reason you’re not less than nothing — ”

“– is that it’s still possible for you to bring freedom back to America!”

Caption: “There is a long silence, then…”

Spectator: “Th-That is him!! That’s the real Captain America!”

Those five panels are just amazing. Everything you need to know about the dangers of blind nationalistic jingoism, everything you need to know about our susceptability to power-hungry demogogues, everything you need to know about the fragility of democracy and freedom. Everything you need to know about what a real patriot is like, minus the funky chainmail costume…

Cut it out, send it to your Congressional representatives, to your preferred presidential candidates, to your favorite Supreme Court justice. Send it to your local hate-radio blowhard, to the howling TV pundits, to the national columnists who still insist that any criticism of the figurehead in charge of the government is the same thing as high treason.

Happy Independence Day to everyone. Celebrate with some burgers and hot dogs, with some fireworks, by listening to some of those great old Sousa marches. But don’t forget to spend some time celebrating your nation by reading this and by reading this. Heck, if you’ve got time, here are some more links to great things you should read this July 4th.

(Lots of folks like this comic book a lot. For more in-depth analysis, read this, this, this, and this)

 

Captain America #39

There’s a new Captain America in town. No, not Bucky Barnes, Cap’s former sidekick who’s taken up the shield. I mean there’s another new Cap, and he’s a brainwashed tool of the Red Skull! He foils an assassination attempt on a Senator Wright — but it was a staged attempt, and the senator is also one of the Skull’s agents, running for president so he can help wipe America off the map. The fake Cap is all over the news, trumpeted as “the return of Captain America.” He endorses Wright and helps legitimize his campaign. Meanwhile, Sharon Carter makes her escape attempt from the Red Skull’s infirmary and delivers a healthy beat-down on Sin, the Red Skull’s daughter. And Bucky pays a visit to Senator Wright’s office, but he gets a nasty surprise when he meets up with the brainwashed Cap…

Verdict: Thumbs up. Lots of intrigue, both the espionage and political varieties. The fight between Sharon and Sin is one-sided, but fun. Next issue should be fun — expect an awful lot of Cap vs. Cap fighting…

And speaking of multiple Captain Americas… Please don’t miss out on tomorrow’s Fourth of July edition of “Politics in Comics” — I’ll have all the “Good Captain America vs. Evil Captain America” you’ll ever need.

Oh, not that these have anything at all to do with Memorial Day, but ya gotta review ’em sometime.

 

Captain America #38

Sharon Carter has apparently found Steve Rogers, the late Captain America, alive again, but with heavy scarring. But she realizes that he’s actually a brainwashed and psychotic imposter who was the Captain America of the ’50s. She’s ready to kill him, but she is surprised and knocked out by Dr. Faustus. Elsewhere, Bucky Barnes, the new Captain America, and the Falcon go out to bust up an A.I.M. lab.

Verdict: Thumbs up, but the plot needs to be advanced a bit more. So far, the last few issues break down to (A) Red Skull and Dr. Faustus scheme and (B) Bucky and his pals beat up cannon fodder.

 

The Spirit #17

The Spirit’s kinda-sorta-girlfriend, Ellen Dolan, goes on a cruise, and the Spirit has to go on the same cruise ship to catch murderers and insurance scammers.

Verdict: Thumbs down. This is just so, so dreary. I’m starting to think DC shoulda just cancelled this book when Darwyn Cooke left.

Man, ain’t it been a long week? For a work schedule that’s supposed to be just 40 hours long, it sure does feel like I worked twice that. But it’s Friday now, and you know what that means. It’s time for the perfect way to blow off some steam — it’s time for Friday Night Fights!

This week, our fightfest comes to us from 1978’s The Amazing Spider-Man #187 by Marv Wolfman and Jim Starlin. Spidey’s stuck in the suburbs investigating why a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents have evacuated a small town when he runs into Captain America. Oh boy! Captain America! Good ol’ Captain America! He’ll help out!

 

Um, or he won’t, I guess. But Spidey has all those nifty spider powers, right? He can make mincemeat of that chemically-enhanced super-patriot, right?

 

That’s some mighty fine fisticuffing, young-uns. I think that Jim Starlin guy has a future in the comic book industry, don’t you?

 

The Brave and the Bold #12

It’s the final chapter of this progressively more and more epic storyline. Megistus has stolen Green Lantern’s power battery, leaving Hal without any way to recharge his power ring, and he’s taken it to the sun, turning it from yellow to green, depriving both Superman and Ultraman, his evil duplicate from Earth-3, of their powers. Megistus has stolen a variety of magical items and used them to attract a red cloud of radiation across the universe that has the same effect on all biological life that Red Kryptonite has on Superman — uncontrollable and painful mutation.

The Challengers of the Unknown borrow Wonder Woman’s invisible plane to fly all of them up to the sun to do battle with the mad alchemist. Once they get close enough to the sun, GL is able to leech away enough energy to power up his ring and let enough solar energy through to give the Kryptonians their powers again. While Megistus knocks Superman and Ultraman around, the Challengers try to shut down the artifacts, and GL tries to free Metamorpho and Firestorm from captivity. Supergirl and Power Girl join the fight, while on Earth, Flash, Wonder Woman, and the Teen Titans work to save people from the red cloud. But stopping Megistus and neutralizing the red cloud is going to require some sacrifice before it’s too late…

Verdict: Thumbs up. A nicely energetic and dramatic ending for this storyline. If I’ve got a complaint, it’s that we didn’t end up seeing all of the guest stars this series has spotlighted in the previous 12 issues. I know it would’ve made for a really large and unwieldy story, but I think it would’ve been fairly cool to see Batman, the Legion, Lobo, the Metal Men, and the Silent Knight in here somewhere…

 

Captain America #37

The Red Skull continues his plans to destroy America from the inside, as one of his stooge politicians announces a third-party bid for the presidency. Meanwhile, Bucky Barnes, the new Captain America, recovers from his recent injuries and gets into a fight with Clint “Hawkeye” Barton. After some weird dreams about Bucky and Cap fighting in World War II, Bucky meets up with Cap’s old friend the Falcon, who promises to give Bucky a chance to find his feet as a superhero. And finally, Carol Danvers Sharon Carter runs into someone who may be the resurrected Steve Rogers — but is the old Captain America now a pawn of the Red Skull?

Verdict: Thumbs up. The Skull’s conspiracy continues to expand in devious ways, building up a nice, nasty challenge to the fledgling Cap. Oh, and Bucky’s dream, where he and the original Cap yell things like “Look out for the Internet!” and “Let Bob Hope text her for you tonight at the USO show!”, is pretty gleefully wacky.

 

Powers Annual 2008

Much of this issue is actually written by “Powers” illustrator Michael Avon Oeming. We get another look into Walker Christian’s prehistoric past, when he served as the chieftain of a tribe of cave-dwelling early humans. He gets to fight a boar, a bear, and an early metahuman, and he gets himself some sweet, sweet lovin’ from a bikini-wearing cavegal.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Nothing against Oeming’s writing, but so help me, we’ve seen Walker-as-a-caveman before, and even with the thong-wearing cavegirl, this story wasn’t interesting enough to warrant going way back there again.

(Correction made — thanks to Jeff in comments for the tip.)

Oh, the crazy things that go through my mind late at night when my brain is jacked up on Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper and Marshmallow Peeps…

You may have heard that Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale are going to continue their color-coded series at Marvel, following up “Spider-Man: Blue,” “Daredevil: Yellow,” and “Hulk: Gray” with the new “Captain America: White.”

 

Now, I’m sure it’ll be a really nice series, lots of great stuff about Cap during WWII, lots of beautiful art… but frankly, I just can’t seem to stop myself from re-naming it, every time I see the title, to “Captain America: Honkey.”

Yes, I know. Still can’t help it.

And I keep imagining a plot for it, too. It’s basically Cap standing around, saying stuff like, “Wow, I love country music. Aren’t sweater vests great? Who wants some Wonder Bread? I just don’t get Dave Chappelle.” And the Falcon and Luke Cage and Storm and the Black Panther show up every few minutes to yell, “Shut up, honkey!”

Other crazy comics ideas that run through my head when hopped up on candy and diet soda: Spider-Man should have a pet bear. It should be named Spider-Bear. Next year’s big comics crossovers should involve superheroes just sitting around and hugging pretty ponies and kitties and puppies. And Congorilla should totally be in the JLA.

It’s probably a good thing that I don’t write comics, ain’t it?

 

Captain America #36

Well, finally, here’s the comic I was looking for the other day when I picked up that (grumblegrumble) “Director’s Cut.” Bucky Barnes, the new Captain America, in an attempt to save a corrupt senator, has landed in the middle of a bunch of supervillains, including the Red Skull’s daughter, Sin. The ensuing fight lasts most of the rest of the comic — Bucky takes down some of ’em and gets his head pounded by a few others. And he uses the gun. And the knife. And the shield. It’s a complete knock-down drag-out brawl. Great stuff, really. Later, Bucky tries to stop a riot the way the old Captain America, Steve Rogers, would do it, with an inspiring speech, but that doesn’t really work out. And on top of that, Sharon Carter, who is apparently pregnant with Rogers’ baby, finds something disturbing in the basement of evil geneticist/supervillain Arnim Zola.

Verdict: Thumbs up. That fight between Bucky and the supervillains really is excellent, especially the seemingly never-ending fist-fight between Cap and Crossbones. I also kinda enjoyed Bucky’s ineptness with inspiring speeches — just one more reminder that the new Cap is definitely not the old Cap.

 

Abe Sapien #2

Abe, Hellboy’s amphibious pal, is leading his first investigative team for the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense, checking out a sunken ship outside a small port town to find occult artifacts. And frankly, he screws up big. His team dies, everyone in the port town dies, a witch who might have helped him dies, and her son who might have helped him dies. He even loses the radio that he could have used to call for backup. He’s all alone, facing powerful mystic enemies, and plagued with self-doubt.

Verdict: Thumbs up. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a BPRD mission go so bad so fast. It’s kind of awe-inspiring how quickly they’ve stripped Abe of any possible support for this mission. I’m sure he’ll end up saving the day all by his lonesome, though I’m not sure how much of a comfort that’ll be after so many people have died. So yeah, it’s a depressing day for Abe, and it definitely makes me wanna read the rest of this series.

 

Tiny Titans #2

More all-ages goofiness. We meet Terra, who likes to throw rocks at everyone, and Kid Devil, who’s short and quiet and sets things on fire. Beast Boy loves Terra, and Cyborg helps bake a cake. The Titans take on the Fearsome Five in a high-stakes game of Freeze Tag, and the winners get to play on the swings!

Verdict: Thumbs up. It’s pretty light on the plot, but it’s charmingly written and illustrated, and it’s also pretty funny.

 

Green Lantern Corps #22

Boodikka is a new Alpha Lantern who must travel to her old home planet to capture her own sister, who has become a Green Lantern but is in danger of going rogue.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Really, this story just bored me.

 

Captain America #34: Director’s Cut

I feel like a complete sucker for picking this one up. It’s a reprint of Captain America #34, where Bucky Barnes becomes the new Captain America, with the addition of a script of the issue and a little Alex Ross artwork. Why did I get it? I saw what looked like a new issue of the comic and picked it up without paying close enough attention to it. Four bucks down the drain.

Verdict: Thumbs down. Listen, if you haven’t read this issue yet, it may be worth the cost to you — you’re getting the story, and you’re getting a few extras, too. If you’re a completist, and you just want to have every possible issue of “Captain America” you can get your hands on, fine, go ahead and get it. Otherwise, there’s absolutely no reason to get this. Save your cash for something else.

 

Captain America #35

The Red Skull and his allies are looking to burn America down from the inside, and the Skull has his best plan ever, involving a host of corporations he secretly owns, politicians and agents who don’t realize he’s controlling them, and a few supervillains here and there to tip the odds. SHIELD is crippled, the president is in danger, and people are rioting in the streets. What can Bucky Barnes, the new Captain America, do to stop the rising chaos? Well, there’s not a lot — a little shield-throwing, a little face-punching, it’s like trying to dam a river with a few stray sticks. But the roots of the conspiracy are beginning to show, and that means Cap can take the fight to the real bad guys. Meanwhile, what’s Arnim Zola got in store for Sharon Carter?

Verdict: Thumbs up. This is probably the best and most devious plan the Red Skull has ever come up with, and I’m enjoying the process Cap is taking to uncovering what’s going on. Sure, a lot of the detective work involves hitting people in the face with an adamantium shield, but that’s just the icing on the cake…

 

Batman #674

Well, Batman has been resuscitated after his heart attack and captured by a maniac wearing a version of his own costume. Still hallucinating a bit, he sees a demonic Bat-Mite and remembers a time when the Gotham police trained three officers to be able to take over as Batman if the real McCoy ever went down. The Bat-Torturer is one of the replacements, either re-activated or driven mad — he shoots Bats in the arm with a crossbow bolt and tries to hack off his hand, but Bats manages to get loose and unleash a little whoop-ass.

Verdict: I don’t really know. Sometimes, I think Grant Morrison is way, way smarter than I’ll ever manage to be. Sure, I could easily keep track of everything he did in “JLA,” but this issue — what with the hallucinations, the weird Bat-secrets I’ve never heard of, the unreliable narrators, I just don’t know.

Is this not the weirdest political season you’ve seen in a while? It seems particularly unusual for us Texans — when was the last time that we actually had a say in helping to pick any of the nominees? Usually, the candidates have been narrowed to one-per-party long before the Texas primary hits. But this year, we’re still in play. Seems to make a lot of people much more interested in the presidential race than normal.

We’ve already had ol’ Bubba in town to talk up Hillary’s candidacy. Right now, Obama’s currently disappointing a lot of folks who were hoping he’d come to town, too. So right now, everyone’s thinking about matters political. And hey, I’m a shameless attention hound, so I figured I’d hunt down nice presidential-themed comic covers for your amusement.

 

Ya ever wondered who various superheroes would vote for? I figure Wonder Woman would be endorsing Hillary, right?

 

Captain America’s got a military background — I figure he’d pull the lever for McCain.

 

Green Arrow? While he hasn’t run for president, he did get elected as mayor of Star City not too long ago. I think he’d definitely be a Kucinich supporter, though I’m sure he complained that Kucinich was a bit too conservative for his tastes.

 

Hey, good ol’ Prez Rickard, the 18-year-old president from the old ’70s DC series. I’m betting Prez would write in whoever was running as the Green candidate. Crazy ’70s hippie weirdo presidents…

 

Yeah, the Savage Dragon was briefly the president. Who would he support in this election? Definitely the Greens. Get it? Get it? Oh, man, I’m hilarious.

 

No reason not to let the villains in on the act. In DC’s continuity, Lex Luthor actually got elected president of the U.S. back in 2000. He wasn’t considered too bad a president either, though he eventually got booted out of office after turning supervillain. As for who he’d vote for? I figure Lex would write himself in. Crazy megalomaniac ex-presidents…

 

I think I’m the only person in the world who liked the “Emperor Joker” storyline that ran in the Superman comics a few years ago. Sure, he’s not exactly presidential, but being an all-powerful emperor counts for something, I guess. I’m not sure the Joker would think any of the candidates were crazy enough for him. Maybe Alan Keyes. That dude’s craaaaaaazy. Maybe Huckabee, if he keeps talking up that garbage about making America a theocracy…

 

Whoa, looks like Superman’s endorsing Obama.

So who are your picks for the nation’s top job?

UPDATE: Can’t believe I forgot Howard the Duck!

I figure Howard would vote for Mallard Fillmore or Andrew Quackson…